Therefore, I advise you, my sister, to make a decision about your relationship for the sake of your deen. I am suggesting that this could happen to the most pious and proper of people. You may look things up on the internet to satisfy your urges, or even look for sexual outlets such as an affair. You may want to start looking more attractive when you go out. If you have not decided where your relationship is headed and are “waiting it out” several things may happen. It is most assuredly a difficult test, and with difficulties, shaitaan is ever present. Shame has prevented many from speaking out or even seeking counsel from others. Many women have struggled silently with this issue. If you are a woman finding yourself in my situation, let me reassure you: what is happening to you is not exclusive to you. I cannot lie and say that I feel adequate, even 10 years later. In my case, believing the stereotype that all men are extremely sexually inclined damaged me extensively because I expected my husband to display those tendencies, and when he didn’t, I believed that something was wrong with me. I also wish that we would realize that stereotypes of any gender, including the sexuality of men aren’t always true. I have written this article in the hopes that others may realize the enormity of this issue and identify how harmful it is.
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Lack of intimacy is an intensely private matter and likewise, an intense source of grief. However, I have never seen a sheikh, or a learned religious person publicly speak about my experience or the idea that gender stereotypes aren’t always accurate. It is, to a large extent, societally acceptable to discuss these matters and highlight their hardship. The well-known sources of grief and difficulty in our communities include, among others: death, child concerns, handicap, financial worries and health problems. You may experience a difficulty and not realize how much it is affecting your life. My heart was broken and to a large extent, still is. I grieved at my own inadequacy of not being enough for him. I was in the process of grieving and I didn’t know it. I went back on my own word however because I couldn’t imagine my life without him I loved him deeply and couldn’t let go of the connection. I threatened to leave him over this issue and formally asked for a divorce once. I was lacking in everything including social upkeep, home upkeep, exercise routines, career moves, you name it. My husband became upset at me for being miserable, and asked me to cheer up. My husband and I still enjoyed each other’s company but I was noticeably miserable. My depression, a diagnosis that had previously been mild, became severe.
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Who would want me anyway? I stayed in a dead end job because, although I had a postgraduate degree, I wasn’t smart enough to move ahead in a career. My self-esteem tapered off until nothing was left.
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All of my insecurities were at full throttle. I wasn’t beautiful enough, thin enough, appealing enough.
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Months turned into years and the problem persisted. I encouraged him to come with me to couples counseling without success. I cited studies and explained chemicals released during the interaction that promote good feelings, but to no effect. I explained women’s needs for feeling loved. I took care of them, but that changed nothing. I asked him what was wrong and if I could change something he eventually opened up about superficial matters. Weeks turned into months and I tried reasoning with him. I initially blamed it on the stress of living independently and his long working hours. However, intimate moments steadily declined. And why would I leave him? I loved him intensely and still do. Our cultures encourage spouses to remain married, so divorce wasn’t an option I had initially considered. I love him and I have no doubts that he loves me. We laugh and have similar world views and goals. We were young when we got married and this was the first relationship for both of us. I have a postgraduate degree, speak several languages and I would describe myself as flawed as anyone, but not generally unappealing. However, my husband chose me for marriage, knowing how I look and I didn’t feel that he was being charitable in asking for my hand. I will be brief by saying that everyone has personal preferences regarding looks. With this, people may assume a number of things about my appearance and personality or situation. Set it and collect blessings from Allah (swt) for the khayr you're supporting without thinking about it.
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